Let us give it no name please as I am not sure. Meanwhile, for sake of ease let’s call it love. When I was nine, love wore the whitest PT whites. Now he plays ultimate sport and has legs like Rafael Nadal. Yes, I sometimes snoop on people on Facebook when I am bored! Love wore ‘Live In’ trousers to school and my eyes searched only for him during Morning Prayers. I worried about my uncombed hair whenever I crossed his department building because Love looked like Jesus Christ, played in the Church choir and did not know that I exist. Love exchanged terms of endearment in jest. Love wanted to know all about me, forgetting that we are like onions; there is always another layer to peel. To the love I couldn’t return, I had a halo around. Love had beautiful long fingers and that’s all I noticed. I couldn’t bear that I was love’s safety school. Love typed lik dis, I cringed but still loved. Love looked at me every time he laughed to whether I laughed too. Love found me in my one midnight rant, in one emphatic nod, in some long forgotten anecdote. Love flattered and I swooned but in the end words can do only so much.
Once upon a time love was all consuming, sapping away lifeblood. Love gave me a box full of darkness, I didn’t realize back then that it was a gift too. How impossible were things that he asked of me. Love was joy and then was not.
Besotted, it intrigued me that love found me interesting. Love looked at me with prying, insistent, probing eyes. Love wondered if I deserved more than he could give. I in turn claimed the honesty he couldn’t provide. Love never showed too much and then didn’t show at all. The three words made him recoil. I held things inside for so long that when said, it sounded rusted and insincere. Love was fleeting when all I looked for was permanence.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to fall in love but I couldn’t stop falling in hope. I fell in love with the silliest aspects of your being. You would have dismissed me as a weirdo if you knew how much I noticed. Love allowed me to look beyond your current unsure self, to see the potential which even you were scared to say exist. I looked for every glint of goodness that was possible- sloshing, twisting, and turning back and forth in my mind until everything that was black, white or grey fell away leaving behind only stardust. For you, I would have forsaken all- slept on a board and washed dishes. If only. I prided myself on my intuition but when it came to you, I was unable to distinguish politeness from affection.
I fall in and out of love more easily than I care to admit. Some loves last an instant, some only for a season but that doesn’t mean I loved less. I have forgotten names and faces of some and for some loves, the half-life is forever.
I continue to love, the hardest choice possible where I do not understand it in its entirety. Love made me kinder, calmer, and gentler. Love made me come out of the shell for once. Love made me vulnerable, breaking down fortress of ‘I don’t give a damn’.
I am scared to use the word ‘Love’ but I know that Love is important as it breaks down the delusion that I am enough. Love is important because as I grow older, I count on so few people to go all the way with me. Love is important because I too need a witness.
Love will wait outside parlour in the car while I get my eyebrows done as I would never learn to drive. Love will be called by the passel of kids at night when they would need to go to bathroom because I would continue sleeping. I would book and plan all our trips as I am too much of a control freak when it comes to that. Wearing your mother’s silks with jasmine in my hair, I would stand behind while you soak the limelight. Love will understand that I am neurotic and cranky most of the times. Love will know that I might not have my career together anytime soon and sometimes I talk way too loudly. Love won’t make fun of me for crying while watching movies. With you, for once I will feel rooted, have a home. Love will have my back. Always.
Love goes way beyond, so much so that that physical presence ceases to be of importance. I am not even sure if having you would make me happy but in that one moment between yes and no, I imagined infinite.
I marvel how easily I fall into the stereotype. I plant my garden; decorate my home instead of waiting for you to bring daisies. Love you should know, after all these years of being afraid, I am ready. I am scared to promise more. All I can say is that I do not need to know all the exits anymore.
I drink. I burn. I wait. And sometimes, I tell a story.